Monday, March 21, 2011

What??? You have some "splaining" to do Lucy.

Above is a 4 million dollar Chinese Government Panda expert authorized and approved "Pandamonium Palace,"

San Diego Zoo's Pandacam

With state of the art 24 hour surveillance/video "Pandacams"

yet incredibly, one week ago, "A female giant panda wandered out of its enclosure at the San Diego Zoo and bit one of its keepers, zoo officials confirmed Monday!!!!!!!!!"

Panda Bites Zoo Keeper

The giant panda, Bai Yun, pushed passed an unlocked safety barrier at the panda enclosure and moved into the keeper area Sunday morning. As panda keepers attempted to move her back inside, Bai Yun bit a keeper, a zoo spokeswoman said.

"It is something to remember -- giant pandas appear very cuddly but they are wild bears, and it is important to remember that at all times,'' zoo spokeswoman Christina Simmons said.

The keeper was treated at a local hospital, but keeper's name and the extent of the injuries were not released.

The incident happened before the zoo opened to the public Sunday morning. Zoo offiicals said Bai Yun appeared unaffected by the incident.

Zoo employees are required to keep out of areas containing adult bears or other large carnivorous predators unless they are sedated, Simmons said.

It was the first such incident involving a panda, she said.

Bai Yun is one of the zoo's most popular attractions. She has given birth to five panda cubs during her years at the zoo while on load from China.

The zoo suggests it was a simple matter of pushing past an unlocked "safety barrier." This whole thing didn't sound right from the beginning. After all there are only 30 video(that's what it say's) and audio monitoring units in the night dens to record breeding activity, while Bai Yun makes a bid for freedom through an unsecured barrier. Then the next day transcripts from zoo audio tapes were mailed anonymously to CircusNOspin at our corporate headquarters. Here are those transcripts:

Bai Yun: I don't belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!

Gao Gao: Bai Yun, the first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.
These walls are funny, you know? First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Zoo keeper: Don't make me come in the night den. I will give you the count of three to SHUT UP!!!!!!

Bai Yun: You don't understand, I'm not supposed to be here!

Zoo keeper: I'm not gonna to count to three. I'm not even gonna count to one. You will shut up or I'll sing you a lullaby!

Bai Yun: When do we eat?

Zoo keeper: You eat when we say you eat. You shit when we say you shit. You piss when we say you piss. You got that Panda!!!!! I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank Diego Zoo, here's a knuckle sandwich for you.

Bai Yun: Anything you put in my mouth you're gonna lose.

Zoo keeper: Naw, you don't understand. You do that and I'll put eight inches of steel pistol in your ear.

Bai Yun: All right. But you should know that sudden serious brain injury causes the victim to bite down hard. In fact, I hear the bite reflex is so strong they have to pry the victims jaws open with a crowbar.

Circusnospin has been sitting on this explosive story for the past week, until we could talk with some of the Pandas and get their side of the story, in an effort to give them equal rights.

Below is our exclusive interview with Shi Shi:

It was more then an unlocked safety barrier, and it was a long time coming, and I was there. Last week on an early Sunday morning, Bai Yun escaped from Shawshank Diego Zoo. All they found of her was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a Panda six hundred years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Bai did it in less than a year. Oh, Bai loved geology. I imagine it appealed to her meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big goddamn graphic mural of two Panda's eating pink flowers. Like I said, in the zoo an animal will do most anything to keep their mind occupied. Turns out Bai's favorite hobby was totin' that Panda eating pink flowers wall out into the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after the Director moved a dog in with the Cheetah, Bai Yun decided she'd been here just about long enough. Bai did like she was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The keeper staff simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a Panda's shoes? Bai crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

Bai Yun had only this to say in defense of her actions:

The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest Panda, straight as an arrow. I had to come to Shawshank Diego to be a crook. I had to either get busy living, or get busy dying.

We asked zoo spokeswomen Christina Simmons if she wanted to respond to the fact that somebody should have seen something,

Zoo spokeswomen Christina Simmons: Lord! It's a miracle! Panda up and vanished like a fart in the wind!

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